Drowning In The Sun

Drowning in the sun

Falling in the void

Breaking my own heart

Betraying my whole life

Staying away from myself

Steady on the run

Crippled in the middle between Me, Myself, and I

Shattered on the inside

Put together on the out

Screaming and I’m yelling but you can’t hear me shouting out

Smash everything that becomes beautiful

Heart of solid black

Digging and I’m clawing I’m just trying to fight back

The rapid succession of this deepening depression

Such lack of purpose no sense of direction.

Regrets & sorrows of passed tomorrows

Detached removal, guided by false intuition & lies

Guarded by the walls that I’ve built over time

Astonishing how I’ve made it this far

I see reflections of my damaged self inside of you

Staring back at me,

I’m trying to erase these scars

But I’m afraid to be loved

You’re so beautiful and I’m so broken

You’re an imprint of pleasure

And I’m shadowed by the attachment to my guilt

So one more attempt to drown in the sun

But I’m already burning alive inside

Yet I feel frozen

Guess it’s cold in the graveyard,

but it’s cozy like home

My life like a wristwatch, the time ticking away

Waiting for everything to be taken away

I think about the things you said

I hear the echos,

The footsteps,

The whispers,

I feel the taps on my shoulder

Someone is at the door

Knocking and pounding

But no one’s fucking home

The sun is setting, no where left to drown

So I float back into the darkness where I cannot be found

I’m taking this one day at time

It’s no different this go round

Searching for the exit

I’ll find the way out

I’ll find a reason why

Days turn to nights I just want to disappear into the sky

Things are supposed to get better before worse

But it’s the opposite I’ve found

Ashes to ashes then dust to the ground

Waiting for the sun to come up

So I can drown

-Reference_312

7/7/23