Desolation

Desolation seems unavoidable

The tragedy that it is

I slowly walk down the road

Brushing against the trees that line the path

Fixated upon the endpoint of the horizon

The nexus point of my existence

Change is the only constant

Death is the only guarantee

Maybe it’s not to far away

Still holding on but I’m drifting to sleep

I try to not close my eyes

Because I don’t know if I’ll wake up

Asking for guidance to my purpose

To be lead to where I’m supposed to be

Trying to escape your fate

Only creates a path correction

And only death pays for life

White lights

Melancholy

The duality of pleasure and pain

Blackouts

Clairvoyance

The contrast of love and hate

I’ve always felt like something was missing

Ever since the age of eight

Into the void I gravitate

Tearing apart my own skin

Splitting of my reality

Separation of my mental state

Bury all the pain in the cemetery

In the darkest corners of my self

Please just let me go

Please just let me out

Release me from your grips

Keep your voodoo to yourself

Your hands are wrapped around my throat

And you’re not even touching me

Naturally it seems like it all will fall apart

I’m coming to terms with that

Fear seems stronger than fate

But destiny always has the upper hand

All of these memories I hold

Shame won’t let me bury them for good

This is hard to comprehend

Not easily understood

All the comparisons

All the differences

All the similarities

Is this the last time

Why is it all broken

Why do I continue to hurt so bad

Why can’t I see anything

Except the light of death from a lifetime away

I’ve already stood at the door

And I chose to turn the other way

Now I stare through fogged glass

Only to find me looking back at myself

Disappointed

The grief

The shame

The pain

The blame

It all hits different

Yet it’s all the same

Just wearing a different mask

Always playing a different game

I breathe you in

Then you tear me apart at the seams

I exhale

And you rip me apart inside

If it doesn’t hurt is it even real

It’s no surprise you still hate me

You’re not the only one who feels that way

You don’t have to fake what you say

Because I already know the truth

Promise me you won’t feed me lies

They cut deeper than being honest

Searing pain that’s to hot to handle

Blistering wax off the melting candle

Before the fire flickers out

Smoldering into ashes

What remains is just a wisp of smoke

And the smell of what used to be

Hanging in suspension

Fading grey actuality

Dissipating vapors

Like dreams I can’t recall

Never ending nightmares

Sleepwalking in the hall

What if I die tonight

What will remain

Laying here as the clock ticks

Would I have done things all the same

What else could one ask for

It’s like I’ve had everything

Yet I’m still searching for something

While simultaneously trying to run from it all

Waking up in a panic

Drowning in a cold sweat

Somehow it’s taken me this long to see

Just how destructive I used to be

I don’t want to have to start over

I don’t want to go to the bottom again

Levitate

As I disintegrate

Then recreate myself, yet again

My life laid out like a panorama

Beginning to the end

75% regrets the other 24% is a blur

1% I am proud of

Like things that never actually were

What are the odds

I guess something is better than nothing

What if I die tonight

Is that what it will have amounted too

Is the purpose of what I’m feeling

To push me over the edge

Reality hits like a ton of bricks

Hammer and a sledge

Crushing me with brute force

Breaking down all of my walls

Reengineer the architecture

To build them back stronger than before

Desolation feels eminent

Isolation feels like a solution

Salvation feels farther than how far I’ve fallen

And I am unsure of the resolution

We will see what’s going to happen

Feel like I’m flirtin with death

But I’m not trying to fuck on the first date

6 feet under like its balls deep

A one night stand that lasts forever

Locked in a box I don’t want to be in

And I threw away the key

Why does a drop in the bucket

Feel like a tsunami

Tidal waves

And turbulent seas

Fighting away the desolation

I’m the only one who can save me from me